I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
