You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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