I met the friendliest cop last night
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She's the barista slut.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
