my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
dude. I can hear the air.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
