a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
