Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
