I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
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Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
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Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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