My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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