i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
