His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
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How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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