Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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