i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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