wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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