And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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