bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
