I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
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