Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
