Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
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It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
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I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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