Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
