I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
