Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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