FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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