I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
