All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
