if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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