I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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