I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
