How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just gift wrapped bread.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
