Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
you had me at cake vodka
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA