At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
