i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
