Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
