I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
