sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
