If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
