Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
