My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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