Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
