Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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