i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
