You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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