if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Less talking, more tequila
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
