MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
