My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
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