My sheets look like a crime scene.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
