She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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