can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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