I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
