i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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