My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
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One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
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Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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