When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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