I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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