I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Randomize
