It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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