If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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