Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize