people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
